The Amazing Adventures of Frank

I started writing these many a year ago during my school days. They proved to be hugely popular at the time.
Heavily influenced by the Goon Show and Monty Python.
Which is your favourite episode? (Mine’s currently THE BEACH).

SERIES 1

EPISODE 1.1
THE PHONE CALL

*RING RING*
[Secretary] Hello?
[Frank] Hello is that the pottery?
[Secretary] No, this is the pottery.
[Frank] Could I speak to the manager please? I want to ask him about doing a hippo on a scooter for me.
[Secretary] No.
[Frank] Why not, you undersized squirrel fluff?
[Secretary] Hey! That’s the third time I have been called that today!
[Frank] Wow! Good for you! It obviously proves that you are indeed a hungry newt. Why can I not speak to the manager?
[Secretary] He’s not here at the moment.
[Frank] Well…where is he then, you bent window frame?
[Secretary] He’s next door drinking that sick black stuff called coffee.
[Frank] And where is that?
[Secretary] The greengrocers.
[Frank] OK, thanks.
*CLICK*
*RING RING*
[Greengrocer] Hello?
[Frank] Hello is that the pottery?
[Greengrocer] Yes, this is the greengrocers.
[Frank] Is the manager in?
[Greengrocer] Yes.
[Frank] Could I speak to him please.
[Greengrocer] You don’t need my permission.
[Frank] No, I mean could you put him on the phone?
[Greengrocer] Not really.
[Frank] Why not?
[Greengrocer] He would fall off it
[Frank] Arggh! Just let me talk to him, you watered down shelf.
[Greengrocer] I afraid that won’t be possible.
[Freak] And that is because…?
[Greengrocer] I’ve just stabbed him to death with half a beetroot.
[Frank] Oh, sorry to bother you, bye.
[Greengrocer] No problem. Bye.
*CLICK*
*RING RING*
[Greengrocer] Hello?
[Frank] Which half?
[Greengrocer] The other half.
[Frank] Right. Thanks. Bye.
[Greengrocer] Bye.
*CLICK*

EPISODE 1.2
THE COMPLAINT

*TING*
[Shop Keeper] Hello can I help you sir?
[Frank] Yes, is this the ‘We Sell Utter Crap Shop?’
[Shop Keeper] Yes.
[Frank] I have come to complain about the automatic sofa-eating fridge that I had delivered from here yesterday.
[Shop Keeper] Ah yes. What is wrong with it.
[Frank] Well, when the box arrived this morning the whole thing was covered in sweet and sour sauce…
[Shop Keeper] The idiots! I said lemon curry.
[Frank] What?
[Shop Keeper] Nothing…carry on.
[Frank] Well, I opened up the box and it was empty.
[Shop Keeper] Yes…well…we are out of that particular item at the moment.
[Frank] So…you sent me an empty box.
[Shop Keeper] Yes.
[Frank] Why, you defrosted barn-infested rat?
[Shop Keeper] It’s better than getting nothing at all.
[Frank] Not really, no.
[Shop Keeper] Well, that settles it. Thank you for visiting me, I’ll see you later. Bye.
[Frank] Bye.
*TING*

*TING*
[Frank] Hey!
[Shop Keeper] Hello, can I help you sir?
[Frank] I want a refund!
[Shop Keeper] Do you have the receipt?
[Frank] Yes, here.
[Shop Keeper] I’m sorry, I cannot accept this. It is covered in sweet and sour sauce.
[Frank] Give me my money!
[Shop Keeper] No!
[Frank] Yes!
[Shop Keeper] No!
*CLICK*
[Frank] You see this? This is my AK-47 and it is very good at winning arguments.
[Shop Keeper] Hah! Two of us can play at that game.
*SPLOING!*
[Shop Keeper] This is a piece of string and it too is very good at winning arguments.
[AK-47] Give Frank his money back!
[Piece of string] No!
[AK-47] Yes!
[Piece of string] No!
[AK-47] Yes!
*BOOM!*
[Frank] How dare you, you glazed stomach pump! Your piece of string shot my AK-47.
[Shop Keeper] Ha ha haa! I do think you will be leaving nowwwwaaarghhhhhnnooooo!
*SPLATCH!!!*
[Frank] Hah! He didn’t see my grizzly-hurling toothbrush in my right ear. Vengeance is complete.
*TING*

EPISODE 1.3
DOOR-TO-DOOR SALES

*DING DONG*
[House Owner] Hello?
[Frank] Hello there, could I possibly interest you in my fine selection of anti-air buffaloes?
[Home Owner] I don’t know, I already own five stamps and a walnut.
[Frank] Aha! A cultured man. I see you don’t have any needs of the run-of-the-mill anti-air buffalo, but surly a man of your taste could not possibly resist the temptation of buying a special edition multiple-purpose buffalo.
[Home Owner] What is that then you, rotten clog?
[Frank] Not only can it be used for anti-air purposes, but it can also be used as a paperweight and for scaring the neighbours.
[Home Owner] I like the sound of that. How much for one of them then?
[Frank] Only one ounce of yes.
[Home Owner] Right, here you go.
*KERCHINGG!*
[Frank] Thank you. Oh by the way, I just thought I’d just point out that if it is not fed half a ton of coconuts every half-hour they tend to explode with the force of a large explosion. Sorry, no refund available. Have a good day sir.
[Home Owner] Hey! Wait! When was it last fed…?
*BOOM!*
[Frank] Hah! It seems that any idiot will buy a buffalo without checking to see if it’s an exploding one first. The way is open for me to take over the world.

EPISODE 1.4
THE SUPERMARKET

*BEEP*
*BEEP*
*—-*
*—-*
[Till operator] I’m sorry sir I don’t think the scanner can recognise this.
[Frank] Why not?
[Till operator] Well, it’s difficult to get bar codes on gorillas, they tend to get angry and rip peoples heads off.
[Frank] What the hell has that got to do with that tin of sardines?
[Till operator] Nothing.
[Frank] That’s just as well then, isn’t it?
[Till operator] Can you remember from which shelf you got this?
[Frank] Of course not you cabbage leaf in water, how the hell am I supposed to remember anything with this African war tribe down my trousers?
[Till operator] I’m sorry, I didn’t realise. Here try this frazzled stick of concrete, it usually works for me.
[Frank] Thanks. Can’t you just type in those numbers then?
[Till operator] Yes but only in pink.
[Frank] What?
[Till operator] I’m sorry, I thought you said something else. No I’m afraid not, you see only level four till operators can type in numbers. I’m only a level one till operator and can only make the scanner go *BEEP*
[Frank] What is level two then?
[Till operator] You get to open the till and serve the customers.
[Frank] Isn’t that what your doing?
[Till operator] NO. I’m just sitting here pretending to be a level two till operator.
[Frank] So you cannot actually take any money from me or give me any change or do anything like that?
[Till operator] No.
[Frank] Well what the hell am I supposed to do then?
[Till operator] Nothing. You will be stuck in this supermarket for ever.
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
*CRASH*
[SUPERHERO] Have no fear, I am here to defend your jelly babies!
[Frank] Who the hell are you and what are you doing with that rabid kangaroo?
[SUPERHERO] I am Super Noggin, I have travelled the length of the universe to save people from eternal doom in supermarkets.
[Frank] And the kangaroo is…?
[SUPERHERO] I have to get about somehow.
[Frank] Yes…and I suppose you have crashed through the shelf of pickled nostrils to rescue me, yes?
[SUPERHERO] Not as such, no.
[Frank] And why not, you green zebra crossing on a rainy day in March?
[SUPERHERO] I am here to smash your head in.
[Frank] WHAT??? Why? I thought you were supposed to save people from eternal doom in supermarkets.
[SUPERHERO] Yes, when your dead you no longer know that you are in a supermarket.
[Frank] Thanks but I think I’ll find my own way out through this mysterious doorway over there marked exit.
[SUPERHERO] What about your shopping?
[Frank] Bugger the shopping! I’m out of here!
[SUPERHERO] Well, if you insist, what shall I start with? Hmmm, Toasted marshmallows…
————–
Interrupt in the broadcast.
What followed has been censored due to the rather gruesome spectacle that Super Noggin made as he proceeded to bugger the shopping. Needless to say the till operator class one has gone insane and is spending the rest of her days doing unthinkable things to rabid kangaroos.
Goodnight.

EPISODE 1.5
THE HOSPITAL

[Frank] Hello, I’d like to see the doctor please.
[Registration] …and so I says to her, ‘a whole melon? that’s unnatural…’
[Frank] Hello?
*TING TING TING TING TING*
[Registration] …Just a moment, there is a strange man with ringing eyebrows here. Yes, what do you want?
[Frank] I’d like to see the…what was that about a melon?
[Registration] Mind your own business you hairless Amazonian shoe.
[Frank] I’d like to see the doctor please.
[Registration] Well you’d better get down to the hospital then shouldn’t you?
[Frank] This is the hospital!
[Registration] What…so it is. I must say that was clever. Last time I looked I was in a bar for nake…never mind.
[Frank] Can we get round to seeing the doctor?
[Registration] I suppose so.
[Frank] Where are you going with that unholy bathtub.
[Registration] To see the doctor.
[Frank] NO! I want to see the doctor, you sit there and say ‘fine, take a seat’.
[Registration] Where to?
[Frank] What?
[Registration] Where do you take the seat?
[Frank] Shut up you enema for constipated ants, just tell the doctor that I am here and that I would like to see him as soon as possible.
[Registration] Cor, you know what you’re on about don’t you? Would you like a job here?
[Frank] NO! Now go away and tell the doctor that I’m here.
[Registration] No.
[Frank] What the hell do you mean no, you fried turnip on a wardrobe?
[Registration] Well he is not here at the moment.
[Frank] And when will he return?
[Registration] Tomorrow.
[Frank] And why is he not here now?
[Registration] He’s dead.
[Frank] So how is he going to be able to get here tomorrow?
[Registration] By trolley, there’s a morgue downstairs.
[Frank] Why?
[Registration] He wasn’t a very good doctor.
[Frank] So who is going to see me about my foot?
[Registration] I could if you’d prefer.
[Frank] And do you have any knowledge of doctoring?
[Registration] Not as such, no.
[Frank] Well I don’t see how you can be much help. Is there another doctor?
[Registration] Which one?
[Frank] What do you mean which one?
[Registration] Well we do have 36 doctors stationed at this hospital.
[Frank] And are any of them here, now, alive, in a position so that they could see me?
[Registration] Yes.
[Frank] Well get me one of them then, you shrivelled briefcase!
[Registration] Fine, just take a seat on the left there and the doctor will be with you shortly.
[Frank] What? Oh…thanks.
TWO HOURS GO PAST
[Frank] Is the doctor actually going to be making an appearance?
[Registration] …so I then takes my seven foot long fl…Do you always insist on interrupting me when I’m on the phone?
[Frank] You have been off that phone since I walked in.
[Registration] No you didn’t.
[Frank] What?
[Registration] You didn’t walk in, it was more of a hobble type limp.
[Frank] I had a sore foot you turnipseed in dung.
[Registration] You should see a doctor about that.
[Frank] RRRRRHHHHHGGGGGAAAAAAA!!!!!! Damn you and your little black cornflakes, I’m leaving!!!
[Registration] What about your foot?
[Frank] My foot will stay here until it is better. Bye!
[Frank’s Foot] Why, hello…

EPISODE 1.6
THE TRAIN

*CHICKACHEECHACHA-CHICKACHEECHACHA*
[Ticket collector] Tickets please.
[Frank] I’m sorry I only have one.
[Ticket collector] What?
[Frank] Well you sounded like you wanted more than one ticket.
[Ticket collector] Well what about your companion?
[Frank] What companion? I’m alone in this carriage.
[Ticket collector] No your not.
[Frank] Well who else is here then?
[Ticket collector] Well, there’s me…
[Frank] Shutup you high flying chicken in Nepal, I mean apart from you.
[Ticket collector] What about that?
[Frank] What? This is my tree-cursing wombat, curses the finest trees in the world.
[Ticket collector] How?
[Frank] I don’t know, but that’s what I was told when I bought it.
[Ticket collector] What about its ticket?
[Frank] How many wombats do you know that need tickets?
[Ticket collector] Three.
[Frank] No you don’t, you crazy pillow in a thunderstorm, you’re making it up.
[Ticket collector] No I’m not.
[Frank] OK, which wombats?
[Ticket collector] That one.
[Frank] What about the other two.
[Ticket collector] Well, that one again and that one agai…
*TWONK*
[Ticket collector] OW! How dare you hit with that semi-conscious fir tree from Aberdeen.
[Frank] How did you know it was from Aberdeen?
[Ticket collector] The giraffes are a sort of give-away.
[Frank] Oh, I’d forgotten about them, I must get that rocking chair fixed, there are too many giraffes at the moment.
[Ticket collector] Have you tried a burning hedgehog?
[Frank] Yes, but it’s not as effective as it is believed to be. Anyway, does my tree-cursing wombat really need to have a train ticket?
[Ticket collector] Yes.
[Frank] Why?
[Ticket collector] It ate my lunch.
[Frank] So? At least you still have that rotten radiator.
[Ticket collector] Yes but I wont eat it, I’m on a diet.
*CRASH*
[Terrorist] Ahhhhhhh!!!!!
[Frank] Aren’t I supposed to say that?
[Terrorist] What?
[Frank] Well, check me if I’m wrong, but if a terrorist jumps on a train with an automatic weapon, am I not the one who is supposed to scream?
[Terrorist] Oh. Yes. Sorry, I just got carried away.
[Frank] Fine, just jump off and try it again.
*CRASH*
[Frank] AHHHHHHH!!!!!
[Terrorist] Is that better?
[Frank] That’s the idea yes.
[Terrorist] Right everybody get down on the floor and give me the wombat.
[Ticket collector] I say do you have a tick….
*BOOM*
[Terrorist] Hey! Why did you go and shoot him with your three legged grapefruit?
[Frank] Someone had to, and I did not see you planning on doing it.
[Terrorist] Why should I have shot him?
[Frank] You are a terrorist, terrorists kill people.
[Terrorist] Oh yeah, I forgot about that one.
[Frank] How long have you been a terrorist?
[Terrorist] Almost three hours, but I have studied terrorism for a whole year.
[Frank] Which part?
[Terrorist] Wearing the kinky gear.
[Frank] There is more to terrorism than that, you know.
[Terrorist] I know…OUCH!
[Frank] What?
[Terrorist] Your wombat bit me in the front leg.
[Frank] That’s hardly surprising, you have a pygmy behind your left ear.
[Terrorist] I know, I’m saving him for later.
[Frank] To do what?
[Terrorist] Smoking of course! Don’t you know anything?
[Frank] You smoke pygmies? Now why haven’t I thought of that, it makes perfect sense. They give off strange smells when smoked, you know.
[Terrorist] Exactly.
*CRASH*
[Blathering idiot] Hello, is this the bus to the moon?
[Terrorist] How dare you! That *CRASH* is mine!
[Blathering idiot] How do you know it’s yours, aunty, you haven’t got a Frenchman in your wig.
[Terrorist] I am not your aunty, you smoke filled fish, go and eat a kettle!
[Frank] Excuse me can I have my tree-cursing wombat back now please?
[Terrorist] No! I need it for my wellies.
[Blathering idiot] Why don’t we decorate our knees with syrup?
[Frank] What? You mean apart from the obvious reason that that is totally not blue?
[Terrorist] I don’t know, it does have a certain something about it…
*BOOM*
[Blathering idiot] HAHAHA! That’s something you don’t see everyday!
[Frank] That’s true I normally hear it.
[Blathering idiot] No, my small square chaffinch, I mean an exploding terrorist.
[Frank] Oh…that, no I get that all the time.
[Blathering idiot] Well I’ve got a washing machine to catch in Jersey.
*CRASH*
[Tree-cursing wombat] I say, I do wish we had more fluff covered crabs.
[Frank] Why?
[Tree-cursing wombat] We seem to have run out.
[Frank] No, we’re still here.
[Tree-cursing wombat] Have a toffee mattress.
[Frank] Thanks.
*CHICKACHEECHACHA-CHICKACHEECHACHA*

SERIES 2
EPISODE 2.1
OUT CAMPING

*CRACKLEY CRACK*
[Frank] Dum-di-doo, I do like sitting by the campfire in the middle of nowhere.
[Park ranger] OI! What do you think you are doing?
[Frank] Haven’t you ever heard of knocking? I’m scratching my arse, what does it look like?
[Park ranger] No, I mean having a fire in these here woods.
[Frank] Um…I’m having a fire in these here woods.
[Park ranger] Yes, I thought that was what you were doing.
[Frank] Yes, I supposed the fire in the woods does give it away that I am having a fire in the woods.
[Park ranger] Do you not know that you are not allowed to have a naked fire in these woods.
[Frank] I’m sorry, but every time I try and put clothes on it, they burn off. What is the fine for this?
[Park ranger] £50000000000000000000000000000000000000.03 or a woodcarving of a surprised cigar in an upside down ferret.
[Frank] I have a spoon.
[Park ranger] I don’t really think that that’s sufficient, do you?
[Frank] How about just a caution this time?
[Park ranger] OK, give it to me.
[Frank] Beware of the five headed shrew.
[Park ranger] Why?
[Frank] It’s just gone up your trouser leg with a blind set of croquet mallets.
[Park ranger] It’s probably after the seven legged slug that went up there earlier with a fishmonger.
*WHOOSH*
[SUPERHERO] Halt there, my fine furry friend, this is the place.
[Frank] Super Noggin? What are you doing here, this isn’t a supermarket?
[Park ranger] What is he doing with that there rabid kangaroo?
[Frank] Don’t ask, you really don’t want to know.
[SUPERHERO] Having finished with your shopping, I felt it my duty to return it to you.
*SPLOTCH*
[Park ranger] Ugggh! This smells familiar.
[Frank] NO! Don’t touch it!
*SQUELURP!*
[Frank] What a disgusting fate, drowned in buggered shopping. You do realise I haven’t paid for this.
[SUPERHERO] Yes, but they didn’t want it back, so I giving it to you free of charge.
[Frank] Has it ever occurred to you that I might just not want a heap of buggered shopping with a drowned park ranger in it.
[SUPERHERO] And an air hostess.
[Frank] What’s she doing in there?
[SUPERHERO] It’s something to do with kangaroo air miles.
[Frank] What? For every five hundred miles on a kangaroo you get a free air hostess?
[SUPERHERO] Something like that yes.
[Frank] Well take it away I don’t want it.
[SUPERHERO] What am I supposed to do with it then?
[Frank] I don’t know, dispose of it somehow, you fifty ounce grape with diarrhoea.
[SUPERHERO] OK, OK, I know when I’m not wanted. Let us go my furry friend, away!
*WHOOSH*
[Frank] Now where was I…Oh nadgers! My roast armadillo has boiled over!
*CRACKLEY CRACK*

EPISODE 2.2
THE LIFT

*CHING*
[Frank] I’d like floor seven please.
[Lift operator] I’m sorry but you can’t have it.
[Frank] Why not?
[Lift operator] Well the building would look mighty silly without it.
[Frank] What are you on about you, small weightless aborigine?
[Lift operator] You said you wanted me to give you floor seven.
[Frank] No! You ordinary pint of white wash! I want you to take me to floor seven! Now!
[Lift operator] Could you please stop doing that impression of a dyslexic baboon on stilts, I find it really off-putting.
[Frank] What? Oh, sorry. I keep doing that, it must be that lame tree in Brazil. So how about floor seven?
[Lift operator] Let me get this straight. You want me…to take you…to floor seven?
[Frank] YES!
[Lift operator] How?
[Frank] What do you mean how? We are in a lift you mangy fruit bowl.
[Lift operator] No we are not.
[Frank] Well what do you call this then, it looks a lot like a lift to me.
[Lift operator] Well it isn’t. This is my industrial sized anal probe.
*TWAT*
[Frank] I’m glad to see my idiot twating piano still works. Now, floor seven.
*CLICK*
[Frank] Tum-ti-tu…What! NOOOOO!
WOOOOAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!!!
—————
Frank was later seen, walking very slowly and carefully and was unable to sit down for three weeks.

EPISODE 2.3
THE BUS

[Fellow passenger] Is this seat taken?
[Frank] No, it’s still there.
[Fellow passenger] No, I mean is anyone sitting there?
[Frank] What the hell do you mean is someone sitting there? Does it look like someone is sitting there, you fried dustbin filled with g-strings?
[Fellow passenger] Just a simple no would have been sufficient.
[Frank] Well I’m sorry but you did ask a ridiculously stupid question.
[Fellow passenger] Would you like some of my abacus?
[Frank] What flavour is it?
[Fellow passenger] Dead goat flavour.
[Frank] No thanks.
[Fellow passenger] What are you reading?
[Frank] A book.
[Fellow passenger] Yes I can see it’s a book, what’s it called.
[Frank] Roger, I think, but it might be called Cyril.
[Fellow passenger] You want me to shut up, don’t you?
[Frank] You’ve got it in one.
[Fellow passenger] Fine, I’ll shut…ARRHHHH!!! What the hell is that?
[Frank] What? Oh, that’s just my homicidally insane possum, if you give him all your money, he won’t bite your legs off.
[Fellow passenger] How can a possum bit my legs off? AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Frank] Like that.
[Fellow passenger] HELP ME! I’M BLEEDING TO DEATH!
[Frank] Well that is a common pastime for someone who has just had their legs bitten off, I would go to the hospital if I were you, that could get infected. My possum didn’t brush his teeth this morning.
[Fellow passenger] UNNK!
[Possum] He’s dead! He’s dead! Hah! My kippers are all grated now.
[Frank] Ah, here’s our stop.

EPISODE 2.4
THE SWIMMING POOL

*SPLISH SPLISH*
*PLOOSH!*
[Frank] Ah, what a lovely day for a swim.
[Life guard] Not really, no.
[Frank] Why not?
[Life guard] Three reasons. One, The world is going to end in half an hour. Two, my hamster’s run off with the milkman. Three, I have seen that you have forgotten to put on your swimming trunks.
[Frank] What? Oh crap!
*WOOSH*
[Life guard] Don’t bounce like that, you’re making me sick!
*PTOING!*
[Frank] There we are. Isn’t that better?
[Life guard] A bit. Too late really, the fish has flown.
[Frank] Just like a pepperpot on holiday.
*SPLOSH*
[Frank] Ahh! This water is freezing.
[Life guard] Yes, it is the new, sub-zero swimming pool.
[Frank] I can’t move, the whole pool is ice.
[Life guard] No it isn’t. That bit over there hasn’t frozen yet…It has now.
[Frank] Don’t just stand there, you orange potato peeler, jump in and rescue me.
[Orange potato peeler] Righto!
*CRANG!*
[Orange potato peeler] I’m stuck!
[Life guard] Ha ha! You will never get out. I am not really a life guard. I am The Man Holding The Drunken Pear-tree!
*DA DA DAAAA!*
[Frank] Ohh, scary music.
[Orange potato peeler] It’s true! He is The Man Holding The Drunken Pear-tree! We are going to die!
[Frank] Have no fear, he is not The Man Holding The Drunken Pear-tree, you will find that it is quite sober.
[Orange potato peeler] Why, so it is! What a relief! Hang on…what does that mean then?
[Life guard] It means that I am a terrible fibber and I shall eat all your painted water.
[Frank] We don’t have any painted water.
[Life guard] That is just a mere inconvenience to…The Fish With Two Legs!.
*DA DA DAAAA!*
[Frank] Look, where is that music coming from?
[Orange potato peeler] From that confused curtain over there. How are we going to defeat The Fish With Two Legs?
[Frank] Don’t worry, he is not The Fish With Two Legs, that badger is false.
[Life guard] Do you have to spoil everything, you five penny piece on drugs?
[Frank] Yes I do you table-smelling gnat.
[Life guard] Well I’ll have you know…UNNGGG!!!
[Frank] No I don’t know it, so there!
[False badger] No, you red battery charger from Twyford, I have just bitten his head off with a spoon.
[Frank] That’s quite a trick. Now let us out.
*CRACK*
[Frank] Ta very much! I’m off to eat my bedroom.
[Orange potato peeler] Pleased to meet you, Off To Eat My Bedroom.
[Frank] Shut up, you small inedible frog.

EPISODE 2.5
THE BEACH
*SCRASCRASCRASRCA-CRUGH!!*
[Frank] Ah what a lovely day for seagull pelting.
*CRUGH!!*
[TV Naturalist] Hoi!
[Frank] And a Plum, Soy and Brown to you too. Why are you naked, pilfered pudding?
[TV Naturalist] I’m dyslexic.
*CRUGH!!*
[TV Naturalist] I told you to stop doing that, grizzled goose gubbins from Glasgow.
[Frank] No you didn’t, you sauced me and I sauced you threefold back.
[TV Naturalist] Fivefold
[Frank] What?
[TV Naturalist] I can’t count either.
[Frank] Be that is it June, what is your boggle?
[TV Naturalist] I thought it was plainly obvious.
[Frank] Only because you’re not wearing any shorts.
[TV Naturalist] No, dim fireguard, I am taking exception to your mistreatment of those poor defenceless seagulls.
[Seagull] Who are you calling defenceless, sautéed bread and butter? Notice two things, thing the first: My beak, not terribly sharp granted but if you take the second thing into account it’s worth noted.
[TV Naturalist] And what is the second thing, o feathered turnip?
[Seagull] You appear to be dangling a tasty morsel that my troop and I with our not terribly sharp beaks wish to eat.
[Willy] Ulp! I suggest mon amie zat we eh, how do you say, cover up!
[Frank] Great gouts of gelatinous gobsmackery! It talks!
[TV Naturalist] Not sure where it picked up the French accent though.
[Seagull] Fly, my pretties fly, let us feast upon the talkative French petit dejonet!
[Willy] Who are you calling petit?
*FLAP FLAP SQWARK ARGH MON DIEU FLAP SQWARK ARGH*
[TV Naturalist] Don’t just stand there, you young omelette, do something.
[Frank] Right!
*CRUGH!!*
[TV Naturalist] Ow!
*CRUGH!!*
[TV Naturalist] Oof!
*CRUGH!!*
[TV Naturalist] Aim for the todger grabbing seabirds you great curtain tie!
[Frank] Right!
*CRUGH!!*
[TV Naturalist] Ow!
*CRUGH!!*
[TV Naturalist] Aii!
[Cameraman] Do you want me to keep filming?
*SCRASCRASCRASRCA*
[TV Naturalist] Yarrrgh!
[Cameraman] You got it, we’re getting some excellent footage here.
*SCRASCRASCRASRCA*
[TV Naturalist] Noooo!
[Frank] Amazing what passes for entertainment nowadays.
*SCRASCRASCRASRCA*
*CRUGH!!*
*CRUGH!!*
*CRUGH!!*

SERIES 3
EPISODE 3.1
THE PHONE BOOTH

*SCRAMP! STASH! GRUNKLE!*
[Frank] Dammit! I’ll never fit a walrus in that tiny slot! How do these people expect me to pay for a call if they don’t even make the slot big enough to accept payment?
[Walrus] May I suggest…
[Frank] Not a squeak out of you, you rampant oat tree in Congo!
[Walrus] But I wasn’t squeaking!
[Frank] Oh! Well…just testing…he he he. Just don’t anyway.
[Walrus] As I was saying…oh no, I just can’t resist it now…
*SQUEAK*
*FRAPP!*
[Frank] Arghh! Me knees have shrivelled up you overgrown sack of bubble! I told you not to squeak!
[Walrus] What can I do to help, o squat cucumber?
[Frank] Turn into a pair of unshrivelled knees!
[Walrus] Right!……er…how do I do that?
[Frank] Do I have to tell you everything?
[Walrus] It would help, numb nose.
[Frank] Beat yourself silly with the entire collection of 18th century bat tonsils and count to three.
[Walrus] Where the fully grown monkeys am I supposed to get that?
[Frank] Try my left jacket pocket.
[Walrus] Oh, thanks. Well, here goes.
*BIZZIGGLE! FOMP! GAZADDLEY! POH!*
[Frank] Are you silly yet?
[Toaster] Nah! Am just ah toaster ar mon lugie.
[Frank] Well get a move on, my toes are turning into a half-baked potato.
*SHUGNOZZ! FRAGHT! NINGG!*
[Frank] Argh! That’s the most gut jiggling thing I’ve ever cast my eyes upon!
*ZIIIIP*
[Frank] Reeled them back in just in time too.
*TWZNIIIINGINGINGINGINGINGFRAPPPP!* *DOOOOO!*
[Loose Change] Ooooh, I feel all sultanary.
[Frank] It’s currency and it’ll do nicely.
*ZAGAMUFFIN*
[Frank] There, my knees are all oriental again. Now, just need something to pay for the phone…oh, it’s broken. Looks like some panda fluff’s tried to force something unusual into the coin slot. Oh well, better go talk to them face to face.
*DOOR OPENING NOISE*
[Frank] Woah, what a strange onomatopoeia! Steve!
[Steve] Stop yelling, you congealed lemon, I’m standing right next to you.
[Frank] I tried calling but the phone’s all walrussed.
[Steve] Never mind, simple tadpole you can tell me now.
[Frank} Could you lend me a walrus? I need to make a phone call?

EPISODE 3.2
THE RESTAURANT
*CREAK* *CREAK*
[Frank] Hmmm, this chair’s a little on the creaky side.
[Waiter] If sir would only remove the handbrake it would improved matters greatly.
[Frank] Yikes! Where the foetid sporran did you pop up from?
[Waiter] The foetid sporran, sir?
[Frank] That doesn’t surprise me.
[Waiter] But, I did, sir, you ejaculated ‘Yikes!’, sir.
*CHOKE* *GARGLE* *HACKING COUGH*
[Frank] Ye gads, old fluff, don’t say things like that when I’m drinking out of the flower vase!
[Waiter] Of course, sir. Take this, sir.
[Frank] It’s a photo of a garden shed!
[Waiter] No sir, it’s a photo of a photo of a garden shed, sir.
[Frank] That’s a relief, you had me worried there, overdressed walnut whip.
[Waiter] Your order, sir?
[Frank] No, it’s a photo of a photo of a garden shed. I know ‘cos you just told me so.
[Waiter] Please, turn it over sir.
[Frank] What the shed?
[Waiter] No, the photo of a photo of the shed.
[Frank] Wow! This thing’s double-sided!
[Waiter] What will you order, sir?
[Frank] Let me see.
*CLICK*
[Frank] Argh! Turn it off! What are you doing you cotton mug?
[Waiter] You requested that you see, sir. I merely used my flashlight to cast further illumination. Sir.
[Frank] Well now I can see green and purple spots.
[Waiter] Many apologies, sir. My trousers had fallen down, sir. I’m wearing my lucky y-fronts today. Sir.
[Frank] Why?
[Waiter] My unlucky ones are in the wash, sir.
[Frank] —
[Waiter] Your order. Sir?
[Frank] I’ll have whatever’s dead and edible please, o smarmy salad dressing.
[Waiter] Ah, our chef’s speciality, sir. I won’t be a moment.
[Frank] Thank goodness he’s gone, I’ve had enough of his Condescending banter.
[Condescending Banter] I’m still here, you know.
[Frank] Great googley moogley!
[Condescending Banter] What?
[Frank] Nothing, I just crossed my legs and crushed, well, myself between my tender thighs.
[Condescending Banter] Why?
[Frank] I confess you did somewhat startle me with your total and utter existance.
[Condescending Banter] And so startled you decided it would be in your best interest to participate in some nutcraking?
[Frank] Well it did distract me from the anthropomorphic personification of being talked down to suddenly appearing in my midst.
[Condescending Banter] That’s a lie! I never went anywhere near your midst you overstated plank.
[Frank] That waiter was right, you know. He clearly won’t be a moment.
[Condescending Banter] He’ll be quite a long time.
[Frank] Why?
[Condescending Banter] He ceased to exist the moment I left him.
[Frank] That’s unfortunate. His underwear clearly doesn’t work, then.
[Condescending Banter] No, they work just fine. He’s just got them mixed up is all.
[Frank] I’ll just go and give my order to the chef myself.
[Condescending Banter] You’ll be lucky.
[Frank] I know, I’m wearing the correct underpants.
[Condescending Banter] No, I mean the chef died three days ago.
[Frank] But the waiter went off to get my order.
[Condescending Banter] Yup, dead and edible and happens to be the chef’s speciality.
[Frank] I was going to get a plateful of dead, yet edible chef, wasn’t I?
[Condescending Banter] Yes.
[Frank] Just like yesterday.
[Condescending Banter] GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLEY!

One thought on “The Amazing Adventures of Frank

  1. I’d question your sanity, but then I remembered you’re my son, and therefore contain impeccable genes. There must be another explanation. I suppose this is what you get when you mix the Goons, with Monty python, with a dash of Harry Harrison and a splodge of Terry Pratchett.

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