The real reason why clothes have toggles.

It seems to me that more and more clothes nowadays have an excess of accoutrements that add nothing to the garment they’re attached to. In this case I am referring to those dangly cords that line the bottom edge of jackets, coats, body warmers and trousers (pants for the US English speaking world).
These cords are often ended with a knot and feature some kind of plastic tightening device that you fiddle with if not otherwise occupied. Due to this, these are more often than not, broken or missing a vital component for those rare times you actually want to use it for its designed purpose.
I’ve often wondered why these items of apparel feature these obscure extras. Granted, if I found myself visiting an Arctic tundra or going up mount Kilimanjaro, the ability to entrap as much air within my clothes as possible so as to stay warm would be a good thing. However, these are items of everyday wear designed for a less harsh climate. If I was planning on going on such an expedition, then I would seek out more specialised gear.
The other day, I found out why such clothing are adorned with this paraphernalia.
At work I keep my body warmer on the back of my office chair. The heating arrangements are such that at any moment, it can be sweltering or quite chilly regardless of what the weather’s doing. In those colder periods, I can quickly put my body warmer on to, er, warm my…body. Anyway, on one such occasion, I slipped my arms into the arm holes while it was still on the back of my chair, as I usually do, with the view to the pull the whole shebang over the chair. Nice, quick, simple. Not this time. The body warmer had slid sideways enough for one end of the cord to touch the floor. Unknowingly, I had then rolled my chair over it. So now picture me now trapped in the equivalent to a race car harness, unable to lift the body warmer over the chair, nor do much of anything else. Rolling the chair only made things worse. At this point I ought to point out that the office is open plan and holds about 30 people. I had to resort to sliding down the chair onto the floor to get out of my well-crafted snare.
Now free, I stood up and tried to pick my body warmer up off of the chair. No luck. Again moving the chair about made it worse. Interesting fact: the cord of my body warmer happens to be elasticated, so to the observers in the office it would appear that I was trying to start my chair as one would a petrol lawn mower. Down on the floor again I see that the cord has managed to get completely entangled with the inner workings of the wheel. Eventually, I do manage to free the irksome elastic string and get to wear my body warmer, though truth be told, I wasn’t feeling the cold any more. Looking down to see what’s a tapping at my shin, I see that one end of the cord has been pulled right into the garment, and the other is almost dragging along the floor. With this corrected, both plastic toggles then banged against my knees.
The lesson learnt: Toggles on clothes are there to make you look and feel like a right pillock.

Top Ten All Time Despised Books

If you came here from my Top Ten All Time Favourite Books, I do hope you’re having a good time, thanks for sticking around.
To everyone else, a really big welcome.

Having done a few book tags now (go check those out), and a top ten book list, I’ve decided to compile a list of my current worst ten books. This is a ‘live’ list, so may be updated from time to time as and when I read a book worthy of this list.
There are a number of books not here that you might be expecting to see. There’s a very good reason for that, I’ve probably not attempted to read them.
This list does not include graphic novels, that’s a list for another time.

Let’s get to it:

10.

What do you get with the novelization of a computer game that promised so much but delivered so little? Dross? I think I barely finished the first chapter before it went the way of DNF. Boring, incomprehensible and so badly written.

9. Great Expectations
What? This all-time classic, no way! You say. As far as I can work out, the prime function of school is to put its pupils off of things for the rest of their lives. Be it macaroni cheese, working as a team or a particular subject, topic or sport. In my case, my GCSE English Literature book forced upon me was this diabolical heap of drab and depressive misery. My mother even made me watch the 3 hour dramatization that spanned 2 VHS tapes. I was near suicidal by the end, if only for something for my brain to do. I’m proud to say this is also a DNF. I refused on principle to finish it, I never read the last few chapters. I still passed the exam.
I read books I want to read and begrudge being made to read something I didn’t choose. By all rights, this book would not be here as I would never have picked it up in the first place. I can’t even remember which cover it was.

8.

My limited experience of the Irish situation of the times was not enough to drive the import of this book home to me. I’m sure for those who have lived it, breathed it and studied it, this book is a soul-scrying experience of the times. For me, just as a story, it was bland, dull with poor characterisation. Finished the book feeling, nothing much at all which, for a book about terrorism, is not good.

7.

A certain film came out. Lots of people jumped up and down about it. I couldn’t care less and got on with my life. Later on, I came across 2 of Dan Brown’s books. Read Angels and Demons (before they did the film), and found it actually pretty good. So now, the big one, the one that had everyone hot under the collar…meh. Nothing compared to Angels and Demons, nothing compared to most other books. A bunch of nothing.

6.

Not read many courtroom dramas, so gave this one a go. Found the courtroom bit reasonably okay, on a par to what I’d seen with Mason on the telly. Then we had the big reveal and thriller style ending that was just so rushed and ridiculous that I’d lost all regard for this book.

5.

This is the only Alexandra Cooper book I’ve read so far, and maybe I should have started from the beginning, this is like book 10 or something. My main problem with this book was that I couldn’t get my head round why Cooper was in the situations she was in beyond just to fulfil the trope where the heroine gets attacked by the killer and gets to save the day.

4.

Why I was so determined to read Greg Bear’s book about Martian Colonists striving for independence from Earth, I do not know. I wasn’t going to give in, I wasn’t going to zzzzzzzzzz. Forget Nightowl. This beauty put my to sleep faster than a … a thing that puts you to sleep really fast. Took me forever to rea..ZZzzzzzz.
Was it worth it?
No. No it was not.

3.

The final and only Grant County book I have read. It read like walking through treacle (amazingly I checked out other reviews who phrased it exactly the same way). Once the slog was finally over, there’s that stupid ending.

2.

A book of utter drivel that made no sense and bored me to tears. I can’t say more about it as my brain seems to have hit the erase button on this one. Which should say a lot.

1.

This is by far the worst book I have ever read, it almost deserves a list for itself. It’s the only Martin Amis book I’ve read and will probably remain to be so. It was just sitting there, minding its own business, so I read it. I should have left that sleeping dog where it lay (see what I did there?). There is technically a plot, but it’s hidden behind the effluence of words and characters that are just plain awful. With so many good books out there, don’t waste time on this one.

That was…actually surprisingly difficult. If you feel that you’ve read enough bad books to make your own list, give it a go.
I know most of you will disagree with some or all of the above for your personal lists, that’s what makes lists like these fascinating.
If you do agree with any of the above then do let me know in the comments. Feel free to not recommend a book to me that you think should be here, I’m not on a quest for finding the worst ever book.

If you haven’t already, check out my Top Ten All Time Favourite Books.
Also have a peruse about the rest of my site, you might find something you like.

Top Ten All Time Favourite Books

Having done a few book tags now (go check those out), I’ve decided to compile a list of my current top ten books. This is a ‘live’ list, so may be updated from time to time as and when I read a book worthy of this list.
This list does not include graphic novels, that’s a list for another time.

Here goes:
10.

The first book of Matthew Reilly’s Shane ‘Scarecrow’ Schofield series. Reilly is a divisive author, often relegated to the ‘guilty-pleasure’ department at best. I’m not in the least bit guilty about enjoying his books for what they are – intense action stories riddled with over-the-top baddies, stunts and writing. I get what Reilly was trying to accomplish and enjoy them immensely. It follows a Special Forces unit as they battle it out over an Antarctic research station for the secrets it holds. Although I also love his other books, particularly the Great Zoo of China (Jurassic Park with dragons), Ice Station was the first book of his I read.

9.

One of my first forays into proper science fiction was with Bob Shaw. This tale follows a criminal, blinded during his arrest, as he constructs a special set of lenses that allows him to see through the eyes of those around him. A fun premise with a prison escape and adventure.
What makes it stand up above other similar adventures though was the final revelation regarding what he then achieved with his new vision.

8.

My most recent entry to this list, I read it last week. This book, I feel has a greater appeal to those who grew up in the 80s. As I was able to identify most of the pop-culture references in this Matrix style treasure hunt. I couldn’t put it down, and when I had to, I couldn’t stop thinking about it until I picked it up again.

7.

The second book of the top-notch time-travelling series by Alex Scarrow. The series follows a small team as they work to police time itself, stepping in when other time-travellers change the past. This time something is changed when dinosaurs were still strutting their stuff.

6.

From Terry Pratchett’s wonderfully satirical Discworld series. This was a difficult one to pin down, there’s not a duff book in the lot. In the end I chose this one (Soul Music came a very close second). This is the fifteenth book of the series and the sequel to Guards! Guards! It gives our ragtag bunch of policemen a new threat to investigate and a few new members of the watch. Featuring a dwarf, a werewolf, an honorary dwarf measuring over 6 foot, a troll and Nobby Nobs, disqualified from the human race for shoving.

5.

The first book of the Tale of the Ketty Jay series by Chris Wooding. Once again, the whole Fireflyesque series is excellent, and all four could have had this slot. One was chosen, the first one being the one, purely as it’s the first. Also the opening scene is unforgettable.

4.

Yet another book from an amazing series, the Expanse, again chosen for being the first. Best described as “like Game of Thrones, but in space…and good.” Book one follows a detective on the search for a missing person and an ice-hauler and his crew as they stumble from one disaster to the next. Epic stuff.

3.

This is the oldest book on my list. I shouldn’t have to tell you what it’s about. I absolutely loved the film when I saw it in the cinema. Had to get my hands on the novel and found it was even better. I think I spent about two years reading this over and over again. It had a permanent spot in my blazer pocket at school. When it fell apart, I managed to find the exact same copy in a charity shop. Last year I read it again for the first time in years, still brilliant.

2.

Harry Harrison is my second most read author after Terry Pratchett. So many excellent stories to choose from. However Jason dinAlt’s first adventure in Deathworld 1 is my favourite. Most other ‘inhospitable planets’ pale in comparison to the planet Pyrrus where every blade of grass is razor sharp and poisonous. Man against the elements, where the elements are determined to win. The following two books are okay but the first is definitely the winner.

1.

For the longest time the Watchers of the Dark, book 2 of the Jan Darzak series by Lloyd Biggle Junior was my all-time favourite book. Recently, I managed to get hold of the first book in the series. My liking of Watchers has not diminished but I liked this one even more. Earth private detective (and his secretary) are hired by an alien collective to find out what’s going wrong with the teleportation system. This inventive story left me with a big grin on my face which returns every time I think of this book.

That was fun. I would recommend you give making your own list a go, if you haven’t already.I know most of you will disagree with some or all of the above for your personal lists, that’s what makes lists like these fascinating.
If you do agree with any of the above, or would like to recommend a book to me that you think should be here, then do let me know in the comments.

If you want to know what my 10 least liked books are, then check out: Top ten all time despised books.

Feel free to check out the rest of my site, you might find something you like.

Book tags – Zombie Apocalypse

This time I’ve got my shotgun and chainsaw all ready for the Zombie Survival Book Tag

The rules as I understand them:

1. Pick 5 books
2. Turn to two random pages
3. The first two names you see gets to be on your zombie survival team (yay?)
4. Apply the characters to the 10 situations and types of people in the order you got them
5. Fret over how doomed you are.

Looking over my desk here, I have chosen 5 books. 3 I’m currently reading, 1 I’ve read and 1 I’m rereading.
The books are:
– a wonderfully 80’s nerd book I’ve since finished reading since I started writing this tag.
– a satirical book on modern consumerism and the end of the world.
– from the A Song Of Ice And Fire series of books. I’ve not seen the show.
– A hilarious and outragous farce based during the South African Apartheid.
– From Terry Pratchett’s excellent Discworld series. This one is a send-up of Shakespeare’s Hamlet.

Q1: The first person to die:
A1: Percival/Wade. Sorry dude, obviously too busy fighting virtual zombies in the OASIS to spotting the IRL ones chomping on your IRL brains.

Q2: The person you trip to get away from the zombies:
A2: Aich. Always thought that guy was hiding something…

Q3: The first person to turn into a zombie:
A3: Aristos Tyron. Actually, he’s more intelligent now.

Q4: The person that trips YOU to get away from the zombies:
A4: Silvester ‘Sly’ Morcock. That’s okay, it seems to be the expected behaviour of a billionaire.

Q5: The idiot of the team:
A5: Jaime Lannister. Well a swordmaster without his sword hand is not much use for much else. He might as well spend the adventure waxing lyrical about nothing useful.

Q6: The “brains” of the team:
A6: Tywin Lannister. Would be handy if we needed to invade a zombie stronghold. Would be even better if he wasn’t already dead. Maybe we literally have his pickled brains in a jar…could be a handy decoy to distract the zombies.

Q7: The team’s medic:
A7: Kommandant van Heerden. We’re dead. What this chief of police knows about medicine probably involves putting people out of their misery, regardless of their own thoughts on the matter.

Q8: The weapons expert:
A8: Konstable Els. Suddenly the zombies are no longer the main concern. I wouldn’t trust Els with a lawn ornament, let alone anything ‘dangerous’. Then again, as long as we’re resigned to the fact that we’re all going to die, he’ll certainly engineer some inventive zombie-killing weaponry to see us go out with a big bang.

Q9: The brawler:
A9: Greebo. A psychotic cat that can see off a mother bear. We may have a chance yet.

Q10: The Team Captain:
Q10: Verence. Dressed in his fool’s costume he’s going attract the zombies with his jingly bells. At least the team would be well organised with regular meetings and are well-stocked with zombie survival manuals.

Chance of survival: Pretty desolate, Greebo would suvive though.

Thanks for reading. Don’t forget to leave a comment, and if you would like to give this tag a go, I tag you.

Feel free to hang around my site where you’ll also find:
Reviews
Book tags
Current reading list
Books I’ve read
The Adventures of Frank (some daft humour sketches) written by me.